Where am I?

I haven't written in a while. Things are pretty much the same with Dan, still waiting for a liver transplant, but his general condition seems to be deteriorating. Mom has had some rough times with fluid around her lungs making it very difficult to breathe and get around, however her doctor gave her some new meds and she seems to be feeling better. But I'm not doing well at all. I've been seeing my counselor, she says it's clinical depression again, and she increased the dosage of my meds along with suggesting I take more time off of work if I need it, and she wants me to attend a class at Kaiser on Managing Depression, that's on Wednesdays at 3pm. I am so grateful to friends who have brought meals and desserts, a friend who offered to pay for my next flight to see Dan, co-workers and bosses who have more patience and grace than I deserve, and the many people praying for me and my family. I've been blaming my depression on the tough stuff like Dan's and Mom's health, the mountain of LTD paperwork to keep up with, the extra responsibilities of taking care of our family finances and household upkeep, working a full-time job...everything external to me. A friend gave me a book to read about waiting on the Lord, and the chapter I just read spoke to me, that maybe my deeper stress is internal. The author says that when we are in "God's waiting room" we may think we are waiting for something external to happen, but we are really waiting for our deeper need to be met which is for something internal - a more intimate relationship with God. So, I'm wondering about me. Yes, Dan's health worries me, Mom's health too, and life is busier and more stressful than ever. But my depression has come and gone for many years now, even before these stressors began. The author also says we need to stop fighting against God and run to God, as long as we fight for control we'll never get out of the "waiting room" and grow closer to God. So, I will keep praying, hoping God gives me strength to get out of bed tomorrow and get back into life...crazy, stressful, messed-up as it is...but the possibility of forgiveness and intimacy with God is in the sunrise.

Debbie