I'm having a fabulous week at home in Hawaii. Not much time to sit and relax, but that's ok.
Sunday: Arrived around noon. Like it was my first time to Hawaii, I sat in the plane with my nose pressed against the glass, taking in all the sights of the island and the ocean. Ted and Matt Stout picked me up, and they laughed at my goofy statements like "look, there's H-2!" and "look, there's the gulch!". Mom and I enjoyed our reunion with a long hug, and we talked story the rest of the day and night. I also started reading 6 months of mail, got through about 1/3 of it.
Monday: Met with Woody our contractor at 9am to review the repairs he did while we have been gone (more rain damage, so he replaced the siding on the driveway side, installed new windows and window sills in Amy's rooms). We discussed additional work to be done like wood laminate flooring downstairs, berber carpet the stairs and the upstairs bedrooms, remove upstairs wallpaper and paint, window coverings for the new upstairs windows, new stairway rail, ceiling fan for Mom's room, rain gutters. Also read more mail, got through most of it. And our home computer virus protection expired, so I bought a new one and installed it.
Tuesday: Got through the rest of the mail finally. Spent most of the day getting my church clerk files and records organized to give to Ellen who will be taking over this function. I've enjoyed this ministry but it's time to pass this one to someone else since I've been away for so long. I'm looking forward to new ministry and pray for God's direction, particularly with Dan returning in January, it will be interesting to see what God has in store for the both of us, together and individually. I took Mom to Longs and Safeway also, she doesn't get out much so this was great fun. And I did sneak in a few short naps today.
Wednesday: Met with Woody and 2 of his subcontractors to measure floors, discuss colors, etc. We'll meet on Friday at Lowes to select materials. Then I visiting church to drop off the church clerk materials to Ellen and visit with whoever. Janice made jook (chinese rice soup) and shared some with me - YUM! I miss local food so much. Hugs all around from Pat, Derrick, Ellen, Janice, and Lori and Michi from the preschool. I saw the new flat panel screens in the sanctuary and the new welcome booth, very nice. Then I had lunch with my bosses Deanna and Clyde, and they surprised me with 2 other co-workers joining us, Sean and Sungho. Next, a visit at my workplace to see everyone else, and answer a few questions from Azure who is helping my bosses while I'm gone. I miss them all so much and am so grateful for their gifts to us. Later, Mom and I enjoyed visits with good friends Carol Ann, and then Carlene who also brought local food! Dinner of beef stew and garlic shoyu chicken with rice and mac salad - yum!
Thursday: Taking Mom to the pulmonary doctor this morning, hope he can help her breathing and exhausting cough. I hope to dig in and do some serious cleaning upstairs and packing/sending Amy's stuff, in prep for the renovation work that will start next week.
Friday & Saturday: More cleaning, etc. then Saturday night we'll attend the church cantata.
Sunday: I want to see as many church friends as possible, so will attend 7am and 9:30am services, 9:30 with Mom, then try to see those going into the 10:45am service. I'll leave for the airport at 1pm, my flight departs at 3:15pm, and I will probably be asleep before the plane leaves the tarmack!
Gratefully,
Debbie
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Aloha in the desert for Halloween
Debbie, the "tacky Hawaiian", for Halloween today. I was the ONLY person in a costume at the hospital today, and after a moment of embarrassment, decided to hold my head high and enjoy the day. And what a great day it was. It was fun bringing smiles to patients and workers alike. The rehab nurses and Dan's OT asked me to dance hula, so I taught them the hukilau! It was a riot. I decided to leave one of my silk flower leis wrapped around Dan's door handle as a reminder of the Hawaiian Van Alstines.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Sunday, Oct. 26 updates
Dan continues to do well in rehab. He particularly likes the gym and he works out with his PT (physical therapist) every day about 45 minutes (with many mini-breaks inbetween exercises). He has begun walking with a walker either to the gym from his room, or back to his room.
OT (occupational therapy) is always interesting. They get him up to the shower and other morning grooming activities, they do different balance and coordination activities also.
The timing of doctors and other hospital staff is not always the best, as in this morning, while taking a shower, the nurse came in wanting to either give him meds or take his blood sugar count; then a doctor came in wanting to discuss something. Poor Dan, can't even take a shower in peace :)
Dan and I have taken walks (Dan in his wheelchair) almost every afternoon out to the healing garden and we have great talks sitting on our favorite bench opposite the waterfall. I've mentioned the healing garden before, but in case I failed to mention it, the "garden" is an Arizona-type garden, with cactus, a few trees and rocky sand. In front of the waterfall are some beautiful little flowers. It's fun to watch the birds that play in the water, either drinking or fighting for the best place for a bird bath. There is one place they end up fighting over, even though there are many "mini-waterfalls" to choose from. We have also enjoyed dinner together in the cafeteria and Dan is free to choose from the menu, he just can't have the salad bar (no more fresh veggies or fruit from sources other than our own, which will have to be thoroughly scrubbed to ensure no bacteria, due to Dan now being immuno-suppressed).
Dan told me this evening that he is more excited than ever to return to his ministry in Hawaii and he shared this prayer request that we share with you now: Dan's desire is to share the gospel with the hospital workers and even lead them to the Lord. He has already shared with 2 people, and discovered both are believers but said after talking and getting to know Dan, they are encouraged to be stronger in their faith. Praise God!
We have our first conference this Tuesday at 11am, this is with the entire team: doctors, therapists, nurses (?), family, and Dan. This is our time to ask questions and their time to update us on Dan's progress and maybe tell us when he will be discharged from the hospital. So more updates to come.
Aloha from the desert,
Debbie and Dan
OT (occupational therapy) is always interesting. They get him up to the shower and other morning grooming activities, they do different balance and coordination activities also.
The timing of doctors and other hospital staff is not always the best, as in this morning, while taking a shower, the nurse came in wanting to either give him meds or take his blood sugar count; then a doctor came in wanting to discuss something. Poor Dan, can't even take a shower in peace :)
Dan and I have taken walks (Dan in his wheelchair) almost every afternoon out to the healing garden and we have great talks sitting on our favorite bench opposite the waterfall. I've mentioned the healing garden before, but in case I failed to mention it, the "garden" is an Arizona-type garden, with cactus, a few trees and rocky sand. In front of the waterfall are some beautiful little flowers. It's fun to watch the birds that play in the water, either drinking or fighting for the best place for a bird bath. There is one place they end up fighting over, even though there are many "mini-waterfalls" to choose from. We have also enjoyed dinner together in the cafeteria and Dan is free to choose from the menu, he just can't have the salad bar (no more fresh veggies or fruit from sources other than our own, which will have to be thoroughly scrubbed to ensure no bacteria, due to Dan now being immuno-suppressed).
Dan told me this evening that he is more excited than ever to return to his ministry in Hawaii and he shared this prayer request that we share with you now: Dan's desire is to share the gospel with the hospital workers and even lead them to the Lord. He has already shared with 2 people, and discovered both are believers but said after talking and getting to know Dan, they are encouraged to be stronger in their faith. Praise God!
We have our first conference this Tuesday at 11am, this is with the entire team: doctors, therapists, nurses (?), family, and Dan. This is our time to ask questions and their time to update us on Dan's progress and maybe tell us when he will be discharged from the hospital. So more updates to come.
Aloha from the desert,
Debbie and Dan
Worrying
Dan's in rehab now and it may be just a few months before we get to fly home. I am thrilled at how well he is doing and all, however I find myself in a tempest of emotion and worry for the future. I know in my heart that God hasn't brought us this far to leave us on our own, that He has a plan for us, but in my mind, it's a different story.
* We have to be careful of infections now that Dan will be immuno-suppressed for the rest of his life. He has to stay away from sick people, he can't eat raw fish (no more sushi) or raw fruit or veggies served by others or from a salad bar or restaurant, he has to be especially careful not to cut himself or to be scratched by an animal or to get sick from mold, etc. Will I be able to take care of Dan? Do I have what it takes?
* Dan's been away from his ministry for 16 months now. The church is doing well, God has done some extraordinary things during this time and the staff has taken on more work with excellence. And as expected, some things have changed, new ministries have formed and other ministries have gone away. What will Dan's "job" be like when he returns? Will we find our place of service in a church of new programs/people/plans? Will our ohana remember us? (that's probably dumb, but I worry about dumb stuff also).
* My mom has done well with me gone, a lifetime of gratitude goes to Wally and Lorrie Enos and many others from MBC, and Nathan Takeuchi-a family friend. I'm amazed at how well she's doing for being 86. But she is 86, Lord....
* And maybe the most worrisome of my worries. Dan and I have been married 30 years, and I think he's been healthy for maybe 5 of those years. He's had countless surgeries and illnesses, and it's hard to remember when illness or pain did not define our lifestyle and even our relationship. Plus, we haven't even lived together consistently for over a year, since Dan was in Phoenix waiting for his transplant. What will our relationship and marraige be like now? Will it change? Will we do things differently? Will we have anything in common? I've been making all the financial and household decisions for over a year now, the transition back to joint decision-making is scary.
Forgive me, Lord, I know worry is a sin and does not please you. I want to trust you and not be afraid. You did a miracle by providing a liver for Dan and for healing him and restoring his life to him, even when he wasn't at the top of the waiting list, you still provided. You have been faithful, and I want to keep trusting you with each step of our remaining journey. Dan and I both want to share our story with everyone and anyone, to encourage others and share Christ with the lost. Satan reminds me of my weakness; Father, please remind me of Your strength.
I love you, Lord,
Debbie
* We have to be careful of infections now that Dan will be immuno-suppressed for the rest of his life. He has to stay away from sick people, he can't eat raw fish (no more sushi) or raw fruit or veggies served by others or from a salad bar or restaurant, he has to be especially careful not to cut himself or to be scratched by an animal or to get sick from mold, etc. Will I be able to take care of Dan? Do I have what it takes?
* Dan's been away from his ministry for 16 months now. The church is doing well, God has done some extraordinary things during this time and the staff has taken on more work with excellence. And as expected, some things have changed, new ministries have formed and other ministries have gone away. What will Dan's "job" be like when he returns? Will we find our place of service in a church of new programs/people/plans? Will our ohana remember us? (that's probably dumb, but I worry about dumb stuff also).
* My mom has done well with me gone, a lifetime of gratitude goes to Wally and Lorrie Enos and many others from MBC, and Nathan Takeuchi-a family friend. I'm amazed at how well she's doing for being 86. But she is 86, Lord....
* And maybe the most worrisome of my worries. Dan and I have been married 30 years, and I think he's been healthy for maybe 5 of those years. He's had countless surgeries and illnesses, and it's hard to remember when illness or pain did not define our lifestyle and even our relationship. Plus, we haven't even lived together consistently for over a year, since Dan was in Phoenix waiting for his transplant. What will our relationship and marraige be like now? Will it change? Will we do things differently? Will we have anything in common? I've been making all the financial and household decisions for over a year now, the transition back to joint decision-making is scary.
Forgive me, Lord, I know worry is a sin and does not please you. I want to trust you and not be afraid. You did a miracle by providing a liver for Dan and for healing him and restoring his life to him, even when he wasn't at the top of the waiting list, you still provided. You have been faithful, and I want to keep trusting you with each step of our remaining journey. Dan and I both want to share our story with everyone and anyone, to encourage others and share Christ with the lost. Satan reminds me of my weakness; Father, please remind me of Your strength.
I love you, Lord,
Debbie
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Thoughts
I've written on the Eagle's Wings blog to keep everyone updated on Dan's health, but I had a few personal insights lately, so thought I'd come back here.
Why is it that if you speak to me and I have my glasses off, I hear you but can't understand you?! Since when do I need to see in order to hear? That happens to me every night at the hospital with Dan. His voice is coming back but is still soft, so when he calls me during the night, I always have to tell him wait a minute until I get my glasses on, then for some reason I can hear and understand what he's saying. Weird. There must be some spiritual truth in this. Maybe I need to be focusing on God clearly, spending time "seeing" him in his word, then I can understand clearly what he tells me. Maybe that's stretching it. Anyway, after I spend time with Dan and then return to "bed" (the chair that folds into a bed), I find myself thinking about God and talking to him before I go back to sleep.
Today I read Rick Warren's Ministry Toolbox email, or rather skimmed it. He has a quote in every email, I usually skim that quickest, but today I couldn't get past it, it speaks to me right where I am, and articulates where I am, or at least where I am headed:
"God is love and he wants us to grow up to be like him. The height of maturity is not how much doctrine you know. The height of maturity is how deeply you love." - Rick Warren
I just enjoyed the most delicious green corn tamale at Manuels with Dan's family: parents Vern and Karen, sisters Debbie and Roxanne, and Debbie's kids Tim and Alyssa. If I could have done so with embarrassing them, I would have licked the plate it was so good. And the kids and I plan to watch Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan in a little while. It doesn't get much better than that!
Beam me up, Scotty...
Debbie
Why is it that if you speak to me and I have my glasses off, I hear you but can't understand you?! Since when do I need to see in order to hear? That happens to me every night at the hospital with Dan. His voice is coming back but is still soft, so when he calls me during the night, I always have to tell him wait a minute until I get my glasses on, then for some reason I can hear and understand what he's saying. Weird. There must be some spiritual truth in this. Maybe I need to be focusing on God clearly, spending time "seeing" him in his word, then I can understand clearly what he tells me. Maybe that's stretching it. Anyway, after I spend time with Dan and then return to "bed" (the chair that folds into a bed), I find myself thinking about God and talking to him before I go back to sleep.
Today I read Rick Warren's Ministry Toolbox email, or rather skimmed it. He has a quote in every email, I usually skim that quickest, but today I couldn't get past it, it speaks to me right where I am, and articulates where I am, or at least where I am headed:
"God is love and he wants us to grow up to be like him. The height of maturity is not how much doctrine you know. The height of maturity is how deeply you love." - Rick Warren
I just enjoyed the most delicious green corn tamale at Manuels with Dan's family: parents Vern and Karen, sisters Debbie and Roxanne, and Debbie's kids Tim and Alyssa. If I could have done so with embarrassing them, I would have licked the plate it was so good. And the kids and I plan to watch Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan in a little while. It doesn't get much better than that!
Beam me up, Scotty...
Debbie
Sunday, August 24, 2008
A long, crazy wait
I did something yesterday I've never done before...I read a book from cover to cover in one day. It's called Unashamed by Francine Rivers. It's a historical novel of sorts, about Rahab, how God used a woman with a past and gave her a future. A wonderful story of faith. But there is another story within this story, a crazy wait. The Israelites were anxious to see God's promise fulfilled and take the promised land of Jericho. Rahab was anxious to receive God's promise of deliverance from her old life and from the Israelites' attack on Jericho. On the day they arrived at Jericho, what does God do but make them wait, and instead of attacking, God asked them to do the craziest thing...to circle the town wall in silence. To do that once a day for 6 days, then on the 7th day, circle the town wall in silence 7 times, then they shout.
Ok, this is probably the weirdest battle plan ever devised. The book expounds on this with the Israelites' impatience, condemnation by the town folk, and Rahab's unwavering hope. I'm glad God included this story in His Word. For me, when I get impatient at this long, crazy wait...when I feel like telling God a thing or two (as if He doesn't already know what I'm thinking)...I can live in the truth of the hope that God WILL fulfill His promise. If God's battle cry was shouting, I can't wait to see how He will fulfill His promise to us!
By the way, we had a wonderful (though short) visit with Jane Bishop today at church. Jane was in town for the Arizona Convention's ACE Conference (similar to Hawaii's Equipping God's People Conference) and she visited First Southern Scottsdale's Sunday School and worship service. Jane is from North American Mission Board and she has been the featured speaker at our Wives in Ministry Conference for many years now, and she is a treasured friend and prayer warrior. What a God-thing to send Jane to Phoenix while we're here!
Hiding in the depth of His love,
Debbie
Ok, this is probably the weirdest battle plan ever devised. The book expounds on this with the Israelites' impatience, condemnation by the town folk, and Rahab's unwavering hope. I'm glad God included this story in His Word. For me, when I get impatient at this long, crazy wait...when I feel like telling God a thing or two (as if He doesn't already know what I'm thinking)...I can live in the truth of the hope that God WILL fulfill His promise. If God's battle cry was shouting, I can't wait to see how He will fulfill His promise to us!
By the way, we had a wonderful (though short) visit with Jane Bishop today at church. Jane was in town for the Arizona Convention's ACE Conference (similar to Hawaii's Equipping God's People Conference) and she visited First Southern Scottsdale's Sunday School and worship service. Jane is from North American Mission Board and she has been the featured speaker at our Wives in Ministry Conference for many years now, and she is a treasured friend and prayer warrior. What a God-thing to send Jane to Phoenix while we're here!
Hiding in the depth of His love,
Debbie
Monday, July 7, 2008
More thoughts
Happy 1st Birthday to Swen on July 1. We had a little party for him, a Winnie the Pooh theme, so yes, those are Winnie the Pooh ears I am wearing. And I really miss Christine at Fantastic Sams in Mililani - I desperately need a haircut and color!
I've been in Phoenix with Dan for 2 weeks now. He seems calmer now that I'm here, and the mental antics are more random now; he is more awake mentally these days, with just a few tall tales. Today I am fighting boredom. Don't get me wrong, I love being with Dan and taking care of him. I think I just miss the routine of going to work, and I also miss Mom, though she is well taken care of by our church ohana. And knowing me, when I do get home and get back to work, I'll probably miss this leisure time! And this waiting for the transplant is driving me nuts.
Aloha from the desert,
Debbie
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Back to Phoenix
It's been an agonizing week or more since I've been back to Hawaii. Dan is extremely encephalopathic now and calls a lot, sometimes making sense and often times not. His parents are taking very good care of him, and the stories of Dan's high ammonia "activities" would make a good comedy show or book - we never knew Dan had such a vivid imagination.
I've made the difficult decision to return to Phoenix for an extended period of time, maybe a few months. Dan's MELD is at 34 now, transplant could be anytime now, but mostly to provide emotional support for him and also for me. In the past when I've asked him if he wanted me to come, he would say no, to stay in Hawaii with work and take care of my Mom. However the past few days, he has begged me to come back and stay with him, so with the blessing of Mom and my bosses at work, I will be going back.
There have been so many people praying and supporting me/us and I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could share with each and every one of you how your calls, emails, hugs, gifts have impacted my life. What may seem a very small thing to you is life-changing to me. I have begged God for answers to prayer, and then your email comes with a scripture that speaks truth to my heart. I have been so exhausted and you smile when I pass by or reach out to hug me or email me a funny story, and my thirst is quenched. I have looked at my checkbook and wondered how I would afford another flight to Phoenix with the outrageous prices of airfare, and your gift arrives in my mailbox and I am again humbled by your sacrificial love for us. I have cried over my circumstances, then I hear how you have used our blog writings in your Bible studies or as a testimony to another, and my spirit is lifted, for we are convinced our circumstances are really not about us but are for others. I have been a "basket case" recently, yet somehow I have peace, for I am bathed in your prayers, and God has answered those prayers. Father, may my life draw others closer to You; may our weakness and openness about that weakness along with Your strength, renew others' faith and belief in You.
"And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8 (Thanks, Patrick and Annie, for your email that included this amazing verse).
Debbie
I've made the difficult decision to return to Phoenix for an extended period of time, maybe a few months. Dan's MELD is at 34 now, transplant could be anytime now, but mostly to provide emotional support for him and also for me. In the past when I've asked him if he wanted me to come, he would say no, to stay in Hawaii with work and take care of my Mom. However the past few days, he has begged me to come back and stay with him, so with the blessing of Mom and my bosses at work, I will be going back.
There have been so many people praying and supporting me/us and I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could share with each and every one of you how your calls, emails, hugs, gifts have impacted my life. What may seem a very small thing to you is life-changing to me. I have begged God for answers to prayer, and then your email comes with a scripture that speaks truth to my heart. I have been so exhausted and you smile when I pass by or reach out to hug me or email me a funny story, and my thirst is quenched. I have looked at my checkbook and wondered how I would afford another flight to Phoenix with the outrageous prices of airfare, and your gift arrives in my mailbox and I am again humbled by your sacrificial love for us. I have cried over my circumstances, then I hear how you have used our blog writings in your Bible studies or as a testimony to another, and my spirit is lifted, for we are convinced our circumstances are really not about us but are for others. I have been a "basket case" recently, yet somehow I have peace, for I am bathed in your prayers, and God has answered those prayers. Father, may my life draw others closer to You; may our weakness and openness about that weakness along with Your strength, renew others' faith and belief in You.
"And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8 (Thanks, Patrick and Annie, for your email that included this amazing verse).
Debbie
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Special Days
With blessings like these, life doesn't get much better than this!
Aloha,
Debbie
Monday, May 19, 2008
Speechless
Remember I shared a while back that God has been providing for my plane fares for every trip I've taken to Phoenix since Dan has been there? Get ready to be speechless...
God did prompt someone to pay for part of my airfare for this week's trip. So it looked like I would be paying for the other half plus car rental for the first time, which didn't bother me one bit, after all, it's all God's money anyway and I planned to pay off the credit card in payments over the next few months, so no problem.
Yesterday, out of the blue, I was given a card and inside...you guessed it...the remaining amount needed to complete the payment for the airfare AND rental car.
As Stephen Curtis Chapman writes so eloquently, I am speechless.
Click here to hear Stephen sing the song (you will navigate away from this page, when you get there fast forward to song #2, you can always click "back" to return here)
Speechless
My words fall like drops of rain.
My lips are like clouds.
I've said so many things, trying to figure you out.
As mercy opens my eyes, my words are stolen away.
At this breathtaking view of your grace...
And I am Speechless
I'm astonished and amazed
I am silenced by your wondrous grace.
You have saved me
You have raised me from the grave.
And I am Speechless
In your presence now.
I'm astounded as I wonder how
You have shown us the love that leaves us speechless.
So what kind of love can this be
That will trade heaven's throne for a cross
To think that you still celebrate
For finding just one who was lost.
To know you rejoice over this
The God of this whole universe.
It's a story too great for words...
We are speechless
Oh how great is the love
The Father has lavished upon us,
That we should be called the sons and daughters of God
We are speechless
We stand in awe of your mercy
You have saved us(from the grave)
We are speechless
Debbie
God did prompt someone to pay for part of my airfare for this week's trip. So it looked like I would be paying for the other half plus car rental for the first time, which didn't bother me one bit, after all, it's all God's money anyway and I planned to pay off the credit card in payments over the next few months, so no problem.
Yesterday, out of the blue, I was given a card and inside...you guessed it...the remaining amount needed to complete the payment for the airfare AND rental car.
As Stephen Curtis Chapman writes so eloquently, I am speechless.
Click here to hear Stephen sing the song (you will navigate away from this page, when you get there fast forward to song #2, you can always click "back" to return here)
Speechless
My words fall like drops of rain.
My lips are like clouds.
I've said so many things, trying to figure you out.
As mercy opens my eyes, my words are stolen away.
At this breathtaking view of your grace...
And I am Speechless
I'm astonished and amazed
I am silenced by your wondrous grace.
You have saved me
You have raised me from the grave.
And I am Speechless
In your presence now.
I'm astounded as I wonder how
You have shown us the love that leaves us speechless.
So what kind of love can this be
That will trade heaven's throne for a cross
To think that you still celebrate
For finding just one who was lost.
To know you rejoice over this
The God of this whole universe.
It's a story too great for words...
We are speechless
Oh how great is the love
The Father has lavished upon us,
That we should be called the sons and daughters of God
We are speechless
We stand in awe of your mercy
You have saved us(from the grave)
We are speechless
Debbie
Saturday, May 3, 2008
I choose to live in the truth
The video above is from GodTube, a Christian version of YouTube. Enjoy this powerful video featuring my new favorite song from Casting Crowns "The Voice of Truth".
When my emotions go haywire, when my feelings point to the downward spiral of depression...I choose to live in the truth. Depression is not who I am. And as a Christian, Jesus gives me the power to choose how I will think and act, and I choose Jesus ("...the way, the truth, and the life..." John 14:6). And because I choose to live in God's truth, I can put one foot in front of the other, I can face the day with hope, I can have the abundant life Jesus promised (John 10:10).
An example: lately it has been hard to talk to Dan on the phone. He shakes so bad now from the muscle tremors and cramping that he can only hold the phone for a short time, so our daily phone conversations last about a minute with a quick hello, how are you doing, and I love you. Our daily cell phone calls during my drive home from work have been my lifeline to him, and now being unable to really talk to him and hear his voice and his heart, I am filled with sadness and longing for my best friend and lover. So rather than live in the dark place of depression as in the past, God is teaching me to live in the truth:
* I am not my sadness
* I visualize my sadness, my depression, almost as another "person", separate from who I am
* When depression tells me to live in the sadness, I can choose to live in the truth
* The truth is:
> Dan is living with his parents, 10 minutes from Mayo, and is well taken care of by familyand a compassionate team of doctors
> Dan's health (while fragile, painful, and anger-producing) is out of my control
> I am living in Hawaii, with my mom (one of my very best friends, by the way), and we arewell taken care of by our church family and many friends.
> I have 2 amazing Godly bosses which I am proud to also call friends, loving merciful co-workers who inspire me and keep me laughing.
> I personally know the One who created the universe, and He has our lives in His hands
> It's ok to experience feelings of all kinds, feelings are not right or wrong, they just are; but I don't live there (ok, yes I do live there once in a while, but I'm trying hard to move out of there)
So, enjoy the video and song above, and live in the truth!
Living in some kind of crazy grace,
Debbie
Monday, March 17, 2008
Where am I?
I haven't written in a while. Things are pretty much the same with Dan, still waiting for a liver transplant, but his general condition seems to be deteriorating. Mom has had some rough times with fluid around her lungs making it very difficult to breathe and get around, however her doctor gave her some new meds and she seems to be feeling better. But I'm not doing well at all. I've been seeing my counselor, she says it's clinical depression again, and she increased the dosage of my meds along with suggesting I take more time off of work if I need it, and she wants me to attend a class at Kaiser on Managing Depression, that's on Wednesdays at 3pm. I am so grateful to friends who have brought meals and desserts, a friend who offered to pay for my next flight to see Dan, co-workers and bosses who have more patience and grace than I deserve, and the many people praying for me and my family. I've been blaming my depression on the tough stuff like Dan's and Mom's health, the mountain of LTD paperwork to keep up with, the extra responsibilities of taking care of our family finances and household upkeep, working a full-time job...everything external to me. A friend gave me a book to read about waiting on the Lord, and the chapter I just read spoke to me, that maybe my deeper stress is internal. The author says that when we are in "God's waiting room" we may think we are waiting for something external to happen, but we are really waiting for our deeper need to be met which is for something internal - a more intimate relationship with God. So, I'm wondering about me. Yes, Dan's health worries me, Mom's health too, and life is busier and more stressful than ever. But my depression has come and gone for many years now, even before these stressors began. The author also says we need to stop fighting against God and run to God, as long as we fight for control we'll never get out of the "waiting room" and grow closer to God. So, I will keep praying, hoping God gives me strength to get out of bed tomorrow and get back into life...crazy, stressful, messed-up as it is...but the possibility of forgiveness and intimacy with God is in the sunrise.
Debbie
Debbie
Monday, February 18, 2008
Stop and smell the roses
Ok, maybe the photo with this blog title is a little cheesy, but you know how I am with pictures and illustrations of concepts. I also wanted to show off the beautiful flowers Dan sent to me at work recently. He's the most romantic guy ever. I am repeating Jeremiah 29:11 like a mantra these days. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord..." Even though I don't always feel it, this is my assurance that God knows why everything is happening to Dan and I just the way it is happening, that it's all part of His plan for us, for a greater purpose since God's ways are not our ways.
My return trip from Phoenix last Tuesday was another lesson in "God's classroom". Because ATA doesn't fly non-stop to Honolulu on Tuesdays, I would be flying Southwest to Vegas and catching the flight there to Honolulu. I returned my rental car and before catching the shuttle back to the terminal I glanced at the reader board to find that my Vegas flight had been cancelled. I decided to take the shuttle to the terminal and see what the airline had to say, trying to be calm. I got to the terminal and confirmed the cancelled flight on their reader board. An employee confirmed I had to wait in a very long line of very impatient, frazzled people. My wait was about 45 minutes, and all the while I wondered where I would sleep in the airport since I would probably miss my connection to Honolulu.
When I got to the poor employee trying to help all of us, guess what? He finds me a flight to Vegas (not on the reader board) and gets me on standby but I have to hustle since they were already boarding. Deciding to carry-on my luggage, I end up getting searched by security, taking even more time (yes, I forgot the "3-1-1" rule of packing). I made it to the gate and even got on the flight. Sitting there at my gate in Vegas enjoying a hazelnut latte and amazed I was even there, I heard God speak to me very clearly..."see, I had this planned for you all along; just like the plans I have for you and Dan."
I just love how God works, don't you? Just like "roses" from heaven.
Debbie
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Grandma's 1st Christmas
Don't you love this ornament? My friend, Faith, gave it to me on a beautifully decorated mini-Christmas tree.Christmas was one to remember. We missed Roxanne and Joel this year as they moved to Ft. Collins, Colorado. And we welcomed Swen to our family Christmas. Swen came in his Santa suit.
This gramma stuff is so cool! Dan enjoys being grampa too, check out this photo at the Bond's house. Yes, those are reindeer antlers they are both wearing.
Amy and I enjoyed seeing the movie "P.S. I Love You" and we both cried like babies. Be sure to take plenty of tissue if you see it.
It's been a long 6 months living an ocean apart. You can get updates on Dan's health at our Eagle's Wings blog (http://www.dananddeb.blogspot.com). Dan and I had a long talk about our options, and it comes down to this - things need to stay the same, we really have no choice for many reasons (disability status means Dan cannot work, doctors say he can't drive, I must keep working and need to be in Hawaii with Mom). We fought anger at feeling trapped with no idea when things will change. HOWEVER...
God is pretty amazing. He gave me some special friends to encourage me (my bosses, Joy and Carlye, just to name a few). AND He gave me some insights that I'd like to share with you.
God reminded me that I had been praying for discernment to know His will (as in "what do we do now, Lord?"). And apparently, I am so dense that He had to answer that request by literally closing all other doors and windows, so we have no other options but to trust Him with every next step. I realized that usually when I pray these kind of prayers, I already have a pretty good idea of how that answered prayer should look like. God's ways are sure not our ways.
I like pictures, examples, sermon illustrations, all these help me understand a concept clearly. So God who knows me better than anyone gave me a visualization - a mouse in a maze. The scientist is right there watching the mouse try to find the goal...a piece of cheese maybe. The mouse takes this turn and that turn, and the scientist, seeing the result of the wrong turn, blocks the upcoming path with his hand. The mouse might then either turn back, or take another wrong turn and the scientist must put his other hand behind and around the mouse to keep it from danger ahead. The mouse feels "trapped", unable to see beyond the scientist. But step back and look at the journey from the scientist's perspective and you see the bigger picture.
God then reminded me of Psalm 139:5 "You hem me in behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me." Truly a verse meant for women or men who sew. I imagine myself in God's hem. not "trapped" but completely covered by His fabric, stitched in behind me and ahead of me, and His hand is covering me.
Rick Warren in his book "The Purpose Driven Life" begins with "It's not about you." As difficult as these 6 months have been, I'm reminded that it's really not about us anyway. From God's perspective (like the scientist and the maze), His purpose for Dan's illness and the circumstances of our journey may not even be about us, but may be for someone else's benefit either living now or generations later. How many times do you remember a friend or relative whose story is still told today and either makes you laugh, strengthens your resolve, keeps you going? Their faith in God inspires you.
Lord, I am amazed by your ways, your amazing grace and mercy, how you know just how to meet my every need. Please, please help Dan and I to walk well, to wait well, to take our next step well...to fulfill your purposes. When Dan and I are lonesome for each other, when Dan can't read a paragraph well, when I have too many deadlines and projects in my inboxes, when Swen won't stop whining for Amy and Adam...bring the "mouse in a maze" picture to our minds as we sense your hand covering us in your hem.
To God be the glory,
Debbie
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